Can't Get There from Here/Transcript
This is a transcript for the episode "Can't Get There from Here" from Bless the Harts. Employee: Welcome to Biscuit Town, population: all the biscuits you can eat. What can I get for y'all today? Wayne: I'll have a 12-Biscuit Biscuit Bonanza. Betty: Oh, get me some cheese grits. Jenny: I'll have biscuits and gravy with a side biscuit and a side of gravy. Violet, honey, what do you want? Violet: I'll take a clogged arteries with a side of type 2 diabetes. Wayne: We-we said cheese grits, right? (horn honking) Betty: Can we also get six sweet teas? Employee: Okay, y'all. That'll be $21.80. Wayne: I got it, I got it, I got it. Five and ten and 15 cents. Betty: You know what? I got this. Jenny: This is Kohl's Cash. Betty: Oh, shoot, really? Violet: I vote we drive away. Jenny: (sighs) Quick, everybody, just look for loose change. (all shouting and grunting) Violet: Ow. (horn honking) Jenny: Oh. I have a credit card. Betty: Can we put one biscuit on this card and write a check for the cheesy grits and Town hash rounds? All right, who has their checkbook? Violet: Let me jump in my time machine and ask somebody. Jenny: Uh, when do you deposit your checks? (horn honking) Is it, like, uh, end of day, or oh, wait, tomorrow's Saturday. Ha! Jackpot. Somebody hand me my checkbook. Betty: Here. Jenny: Mother, this is a complimentary calendar from a funeral home. Why do you have that? (horn honking) Betty: Ugh! That's it. (groans) Wayne: Cool drawing, Vi. I wish I was your biological daddy so I could claim some of that, uh, "talientay." Seriously, I can't draw crap, but I can draw this. (draws) Boom. Look at that. Freehand. Jenny: Violet, you are such a great artist. Who is that? Violet: This is Harold as portrayed by Bud Cort in Hal Ashby's classic film Harold and Maude. Betty: Hal Assby and Butt Cord? What kind of nasty movies are you watching, Violet? Jenny: Mother, you are killing me today. Wayne: Violet, you must be the stizzar of your art class. Betty: Oh, I cannot wait to go to your art show tonight. It'll be so exciting to see all your great work up there. Violet: Okay, but just keep in mind: there's been some budget cuts, so the wrestling coach is now also our art teacher. (whistle blows) Mr. Strikeleather: Good hustle, Cortez! Way to embrace Roy G. Biv, Tiffany. (moves over to the art class side) Thanks, y'all, for coming out to the art open house tonight. We all know how important art is now, right? And stuff. I mean, I can't tell art from fart, but I can draw this. Wayne: He traced that. Mr. Strikeleather: Anyhow, some of these kids can really do art. Looks like this one is some sort of disco pirate mannequin. David, explain this please. David: This is a collage of 1980s musician and style icon Pete Burns from the band Dead or Alive. Once alive, now dead. RIP. Thank you. (light applause) Mr. Strikeleather: And then Violet drew this I want to say, uh, gay guy? Betty: That's Butt Cord from the classic film Carol and Claude. Mr. Strikeleather: If it's not a sequel to National Treasure, I haven't seen it. (wrestling team knocks down the art) Mr. Strikeleather: Pin him, Cortez! Pin him! Betty: Violet should be going to the High School of the Arts in Winston. Jenny: I agree. Violet, baby, you know what? We are gonna get you into that School of the Arts. (sighs) I don't want you to get stuck here like we ... I did. You're getting the hell out of here. Violet: We should all just forget it. To put it in terms you can understand, art school tuition is like 15,000 Biscuit-Biscuit Bonanzas with another 5,000 Biscuit Town hash rounds a year. Jenny: We're gonna figure this out, Violet. Don't you worry. Betty: Somebody needs to get their act together, then, because I'm the only one busting my ass over here. (silence) Y'all, I'm not gonna look at you if you're gonna give me the look. Jenny: Oh, I'm giving you this look. Betty: No, no, I'm gonna close my eyes. Jenny: Okay, this look is gonna keep on looking until you look. It's not gonna stop looking. Betty: That doesn't matter because I'm not looking. Jenny: You better look over here! Wayne: Okay, everybody stop your clucking, 'cause I have a idea. (chittering) Jenny: Oh, God. He bought two giant birds. Violet: This is the best thing ever. Jenny: And is it just me, or are those birds not right? Betty: Damn right they're not right. They're too big. What happens if they start flying around? Wayne: Ah, these birds can't fly. But their eggs are giant. Giant nest eggs, if you will, that sell for $40 a pop. They lay ten of these a month, that's $400 a month. $400 times 11 'cause I'm gonna give 'em December off, of course is almost $5,000. So all they have to do is get to ostriching and beak-smooching, and we'll be able to send Violet to art school easy. And the best part is, they were only $500 a piece. Betty: Oh. Well, this is gonna work, hastag sarcasm. Jenny: (quietly) How did you pay for them? Wayne: I borrowed against my truck. But we'll be in the money so fast, nary a payment will be missed. With the exception of the first payment that I missed. But it carries over. The next month I pay double. Or I just do triple the month after that, and so on and so forth. (bites Wayne) Ow! Oh, God! Oh, my God! (shouting) Jenny: Oh, no. He's got a beakful of his junk! Wayne: Ow! His pecker is pecking my pecker! Daniel: Hi, Jenny. Sam: God dang it, Jenny, you got the evenest tan in all of Guilford County. Jenny: Well, Sam, you know that I am one-eighth Cherokee. I did get those good tanning genes. Sam: And you got those "looking good in your jeans" genes, too. Louise: Doo, doo, doo, doo. Hey, y'all. Is everything tasting good? Jenny, can you pour some more sweet tea for my wonderful husband Daniel and his businessmen friends? Isn't Jenny such a wonderful fun employee? Okay. Well, y'all keep on enjoying. Doo, doo, doo, doo. (walks to Jenny) Jenny, people don't want to see all this when they're trying to eat their fried flounder. This is a Christian restaurant. Y'all do me a favor and throw on this pocket tee. Okay? Please and thank you. (Jenny puts it on) Brenda: (trying to remove the pocket tee) Jenny, no. We're not doing that. (Jenny shouts) You will not cover all this goodness. Jenny: Stop it. Brenda: Jenny, you know I come from a long line of Brendas. My mom was a Brenda, my grandma was a Brenda, my aunts are Brendas, my cousin's a Brenda, my niece is a Brenda and we are all total sluts. All of us. But we are good people, and everybody loves us. Jenny: No offense to you and the Brendas, but that doesn't really help me at all. Not only do I need this job, I'm gonna have to start picking up extra shifts. I just found out how much art school costs, and apparently, it's half a damn biscuit restaurant. Brenda: All I'm saying is Jesus-Barbie needs to chill. See you in hell, Louise, 'cause I quit. (leaves) Did Louise hear me quit? Jenny: No. You, She's too far away. Bud: Jenny, sounds like you need to come work for me. I know you used to be a real good dancer. Jenny: Bud, I am not stripping. Bud: Well, why don't you at least come on down and man the buffet, or "wo-man" it. (laughs) You don't even have to take anything off. All you have to do is throw on a bikini top, preferably a neon one, and stir the grits so they don't get that film on top. Jenny: I'm happy here serving food with my clothes on. Bud: Making zero dollars U.S. and hiding your light in a bushel. What a shame. All right, I'll have the Seven Loaves and Fishes Platter. Double slaw. I'll pay for it. Jenny: Okay. Five, ten Ugh. What in the world am I gonna do? (heavenly music) Jesus: Jenny, what's wrong, shug? Jenny: Do people ever pray for money? - Jesus: Yeah. Oh, they do. Every living moment. Just now I got four while we were talking. Five. Do you want me to keep updating you or... Jenny: (interrupts) Oh, no, no, no. Jesus: Six. Nine. Jenny: No. It's okay. So I can pray for money, right? 'Cause, see, my family's always broke, and the minute we get a little of anything, the broke keeps coming back. (chuckles) Kind of like a VD. Jesus: Of course you can pray for money, Jenny. I just can't give it to you. Jenny: I know. Jesus: Well, if I snap my fingers and made everything okay, what would life be? Jenny: Better? (chuckles) Perfect? Wayne's trying his best, but you know, he does things kind of his own way. (chc It'd be great if one of his business ideas worked out. He could really use a win with this ostrich thing. He's been trying like heck to get them to mate, but they are just not having each other. Jesus: You know, 70% of ostriches become attracted to their human owners. Jenny: You don't think that's going on, do you? Only if "becoming attracted" means biting his ween and butt. Jesus: That is exactly how it manifests. (bottle squirts) Jesus: Why is it so embarrassing when that happens? Jenny: 'Cause it sounds like a fart. (laughs) Jesus: That is right. Jenny: That's why. Jesus: Jenny, I know your life is difficult, but the difficulties of life make us who we are. God knows I don't want you to suffer, but suffering and struggle are unavoidable. It's part of the whole deal. Everything you need is all around you, Jenny. Jenny: But can't you just give me a little something - that can help me right now? Jesus: Hmm Oh! Your mom put a bottle of white zin in the freezer. Take it out immediately when you get home, or it's gonna explode. Also, uh, Wayne's ostriches. Jenny: Oh, Lord, what? Jesus: They're never going to lay any eggs. They're boys. Jenny: What?! Jesus: Yup. Yeah. Jenny: Oh, Lord. Leonard: (to Wayne) To put it another way: you got two hot dogs, but no buns. Or another fun way to say it is: you got two beers, but no coozy. You got two bananas and no doughnuts. Two index fingers and no okay sign. Two mozzarella sticks and no ranch. You got.. Jenny: (interrupts) Leonard, we get it! (Jenny sighs) Jenny: You know, I don't want you to worry so much about money, Wayne, 'cause, you know, we've got options. Bud offered me a night job. Wayne: Bud? You mean Bud's of Bud's Babydoll's gentlemen's club slash topless car wash on Kivett Boulevard? Which I've never been to. Oh, hell no! Jenny: No, no, no, not-not stripping. Just stirring the grits at the buffet. Wayne:'''That's a gateway job. '''Jenny: (laughs) Yeah, gateway to extra cash. Wayne: Jenny, you don't have to take another job. I'm gonna handle this. If I can't get them to lay eggs, I'm gonna break them, so I can ride them and train them to do tricks. Did you know there's a guy in Myrtle Beach who trained a giraffe to do Jean-Claude Van Damme splits? People pay a lot of money to see those shows. Jenny: Well, if you're sure it's gonna be that easy. Wayne: It is. Watch. Sit. (ostriches clittering) Ow, oh! Oh, my God! Right again! Same place! Same exact place! Jenny: Oh Lord, We just got the swelling down. (ostriches clittering) Wayne: Oh! Ow! - Ow! Son of a Ow! Betty: You know, you could go to Charlotte, meet a nice guy, y'all, with a little bit of money. Jenny: Mother, stop! You know I love Wayne to death, and he's really been there for me the last ten years, and Violet loves him like a dad, and I know he's never gonna be Jay-Z or anything. Betty: "Jazy"? Oh, he's the one that's married to "Betronce." Jenny: No, Mother, it's BeyoncÃ©. Betty: Oh, Lord, it's Betronce, y'all. Jenny: Don't bother the Lord with this. Just trust me, it is BeyoncÃ©. Betty: Well, I guess we'll just have to agree to disagree. Jenny:'''Violet's biological diddy was not the greatest, yes Don is rich, but he is a total tool. He's angry and (sighs) always weirdly sunburned, even in the winter. And he used to tell me I was done eating by poking me in the stomach. '''Betty: He could've given you and Violet a great life. The life that you deserve, the life that (starts crying) that your daddy gave us. All the bills would be paid. We'd be flush in Kohl's Cash. I could finally get my Jeep with the eagle on it. I could show these spider veins who's boss. Violet could go to her art school. Jenny: I can do this. I don't need Don or-or Daddy or anyone. I can do it on my own. Betty: Yeah, right. Oh, my Lord, I won! Jenny: You did? Betty: Yeah! Another scratch-off! Jenny: (sarcastically) Great. (sighs) Mr. Strikeleather: Ugh. There's been some turnover in my personal life, so automatic A to anyone who can turn this Sonya into a Veronica. (school bell rings) Violet, hang on. I just wanted to make sure you saw this. It's a countywide art contest. They want young artists to capture different perspectives on North Carolina. Based on all the weird crap I saw there last year, I think you'd have a chance of winning. Violet and David: What have I, what have I, What have I done to deserve this? Mr. Strikeleather: Is that supposed to be a song? If it's not on a National Treasure soundtrack, I haven't heard it. Dawn: Jenny, I never in my damn life thought you, captain of the dance team and voted "Most Likely to Not End Up Stripping," would end up working at Bud's. Jenny: Well, technically, I'm not stripping. No judgment. Dawn: Didn't you go to school to be a dancer? Jenny: Yeah. Had to drop out. Um, I-I'm just actually moonlighting here to help pay for my daughter's school. She's a very talented artist. She is going places. Dawn: Well, you should use your talents to help pay for her talents. You can make four times what you are now if you get up on that stage. (at a guy) Stop staring! I'm on break! Look away! Louise: Doo, doo, doo, doo. Jenny, now, How do I say this? I'm afraid this is your last day at The Last Supper. Jenny: Wait-wait, Louise, what? You mean, like, you're firing me? Louise: Jenny, I heard you were moonlighting at Bud's. A little birdie told me. Also, Bud told me. Jenny: Oh! No, I'm just, I'm just serving food there. You know, stirring the grits so they don't get the film on top. Louise: Well, as we all know, grits-stirring is just a hop, skip and a jump to loin-stirring. So, Jenny, I'm sorry, we're gonna have to let you go. We can't have a Last Supper employee associated with Bud's. Jenny: But you're not above taking Bud's money. Louise: A man's got to eat. Jenny: Well, my family's got to eat, too! Louise: I'm sorry, Jenny, y'all, but this is a Christian business. Like Chick-fil-A. Except that we are open on Sunday, 'cause that's just leaving money on the table. Jenny: Fine, Louise! (leaves) Brenda: Jenny. Louise didn't fire you 'cause of Bud's. She fired you 'cause she's jealous. Ever since Nick Lachey pulled you up on stage. So now you got to hold your head high just like a freakin' Brenda. And don't hide your light in a bushel. People love your midriff. Jenny: Oh, Lord, Brenda. I need the money, but I don't think I can ever do that kind of dancing. It just doesn't feel right to me. Plus all that shaving. Brenda: So do it your own way, girl. You're such a good dancer, they'll love it - whether you take anything off or not. Jenny: You think? Brenda: Remember in high school, when we watched that movie Flashdance, like, every day for a month? Just be Flashdance classy. And if the mood strikes you, you always have the option of showing your rosy peaks and your lady lawn. Just feel it out. I'd do it, too, except my areolas are cross-eyed. Jenny: So you've said. Announcer: We've got a new dancer tonight. Put your hands together for Jennifer Hart. Jenny: I said not my real name! Announcer: Oh, sorry. I mean Jennifer, uh Boofay. Jennifer Boofay. (Jenny sighs) Audience: Yeah! (cheering) Jenny: Hey, y'all, watch this. (Jenny starts dancing) ("Maniac" by Michael Sembello playing) Jimmy: Boo! Charles: What a rip! Jimmy: She's not taking anything off. Charles: She's hot, though. Jimmy: I know, but I want to see boobs. Charles: Oh, oh, I get it, this is supposed to be like that movie Flashdance. Jimmy: The one from the '80s, starring Jennifer Beals? Charles: Yeah. Jimmy: Oh, she was hot! Charles: I know. Never saw her boobies, though. Jimmy: Yeah. Flashdance was about a "classy" stripper, that never took anything off. Charles: She was also a welder! Jimmy: What? Charles: Yeah. People forget, but that was her day job. Jimmy: Are you serious? Charles: Hand to God! Jimmy: Oh, yeah! And then in the end, somehow with no formal training, she ends up a full-on ballet dancer? Charles: Yeah! Jimmy: Improbable! Charles: What a yank! Audience: Boo! (Dawn walks up on stage) Jimmy: Oh, now we're talking! Charles: Yeah! Dawn: I'm on break! Look away! Jimmy: Ah, who cares? Charles: Now she's just damp? Jimmy: Boo! Charles: She's got on a camisole! Bud: Yeah, chuckleheads from the health department made me shut down the buffet. A man found a belly button ring in the flour gravy. He was a veteran, too. Real sad. Jenny: All right, Bud. I think we can all agree I nailed that. Oh! It felt amazing! So, I'm ready for my tips now. Bud: Jenny, if they don't throw them, you don't get them. Jenny: Oh, what?! That is barbaric. I was artsy as hell up there. Bud: Jenny, have you ever been to an art museum before? Greco-Roman statues, buck naked. Renaissance paintings, boobies. Sistine Chapel, there's, like, 50 butts. Hell, even the Mona Lisa's naked from the waist down. I mean, I'm assuming, based on her smirk. Bud: Ugh, Bud, you are a pig. I am not gonna take my top off. Bud: Okay, well, this is a topless bar, so it would be false advertising if I let somebody keep their top on. Legally, my hands are tied. Jenny: Well, his top's on. And his top's on. Every dude in here, I want you to take your tops off. (They laugh at her) And your top's on. So I guess you're breaking the law right now. Bud, you should take your top off. Bud: Well, unfortunately, I'm currently rocking my winter body. Jenny: Ugh, whatever, Bud. You can kiss my film-covered grits, 'cause I quit. Dawn: Jenny, what are you gonna do now? Jenny: I'll figure something out. (Jenny sighs then gasps) Jenny: Louise? What are you doing here? Louise: I'm just trying to get out of here. Daniel: Hi, Jenny. Louise: He comes here sometimes. We have an agreement. As long as I drop him off and pick him up, he can come here. It's just fellowship with his businessmen friends. So silly. Doo, doo, doo, doo. Jenny: Yeah. Louise: Jenny, you looked great up there. Jenny: What? Louise: Y'all, I'm just saying, I get why Nick Lachey pulled you up on that stage. Jenny: Thank you. Thanks, Louise. Louise: You will never speak of this, right? Jenny: My lips are sealed. Louise: Well, okay, great. See you tomorrow, Jenny. Jenny: At The Last Supper? Louise: Well, yeah. Where else would you be? Jenny: Well, Wayne's gonna ride that sucker. He's gonna make a mint. Wayne: Hey, y'all. Watch this! (The ostriches fly Wayne and Jenny into the sunset) Jenny: Yeah! Betty: Wayne Z and Betronce! Fly on out of here! (Turns out that was just a drawing and the real situation is revealed) Wayne: Hey, y'all. Watch this! Come on, ugh! (Ostrich attacks Wayne) Ow, ow, ow. Ow! Oh, oh, oh! Ow! Oh, God! (The family is at the school) Wayne: That's us. That's us up on that wall. Jenny: Violet made us all art. Betty:'''Violet, y'all, you made us famous. '''Wayne: (looking at the pictures) That is exactly how love feels, with my heart outside my body. That's me riding Becky/Steve. Look at that piece of art. Oh, that flag's a metaphor, for America. Announcer: And the winner of the $800 Young Artist Scholarship is Violet Hart. (family cheering) Jenny: That's my baby! Wayne: All right, now. Jenny: Oh, Violet, baby, I am so proud of you. Wayne: I love you, you little talented peanut. Betty: Oh, my Lord, I'm so choked up, y'all. Violet: (passes the check to Wayne) Wayne, I want you to use this to buy a lady ostrich. Wayne: No, Violet. Hell no. Y'ou're going to art school. Jenny: Eventually. Wayne: You're going places. Jenny: Eventually. (They all hug) Betty: This is my grandbaby, y'all. My grandbaby! She came out of a womb that came out of my womb! Wayne: (going through the art) Look at this one of Betty doing scratchers. And the scratcher dust forms wings. We are a tree. A flowering tree. My be-leaf is that I love this. (chuckles) You see what I did there with the word leaf? Violet, this is amazing. Look at this damn art. It's a glass of wine pouring Betty. That's my priceless S. Oh, hell yeah! But you don't want to go too tall with it. That's a rookie mistake. You'll get it. Category:Transcripts